We live in a world that is constantly changing and evolving. The medias talk about things that are scary, such as terrorism, war, natural disasters, court cases of child molesters… And your kids probably hear snippets of it here and there. Let alone, their life is made of constant transitions. Because they keep growing, they are constantly experiencing change: their body changes, their abilities and knowledge, their school grades, their classmates, their teacher….
As we know, kids need stability, consistency, and predictability. These things will provide them with a sense of safety and security. So what happens when things change constantly? How do they handle the changes? And what about that recent earthquake we experienced? How did your kids respond to that?
Certain kids are blessed with strong resilience, while others struggle more through life transitions and unpredictable events. As a parent, you can do much to help them cope better.
Here are a few tips for walking your children through the ever changing journey of life:
1) Be aware of your own stress levels and learn to manage it in a healthy way. Kids look up to you, and if they sense your stress and anxiety, it can be very unsettling for them. They need to know that mom and dad are in control.
2) Talk about upcoming changes ahead of time. If you are going to move to a new house, or if your child is going to be left with a relative for a few days, if they are starting school or changing school, prepare them for it. Ask how they are feeling about it and listen! With little ones, make sure you repeat the scenario many times until they have internalized it enough so that they can tell you what is going to happen. A good way of helping them through that is to create a little story book with a character that represents them, so you can tell them the story of them moving into a new house or starting school. Make sure it is illustrated (stick figures are fine, you don’t need to be an artist).
When the change happens, they will be able to recognize what is happening from the story you will have read over and over.
3) Talk about unpredictable events, such as earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, fires… Talk to your kids about what to do if any of these happen and rehearse it with them. Reassure them that the more prepared you all are, the more likely you will all be fine in such a situation. Create an emergency plan together and rehearse it together. This will give them a sense of control.
4) Teach your child to recognize the signs of stress in their body. They may have a headache, feel nauseous or have tummy ache when they are feeling nervous and anxious about something. Know your child so you can recognize those signs, and educate them about what their body is telling them.
5) Teach them some breathing exercises: Place an object on their tummy while they are lying on the floor, and tell them to breathe in a way that the object goes up and down as they breathe. When we are anxious and worried, we tend to hold our breath, which increases tension in our body, and ultimately increases stress
6) Along with the breathing exercise, you can also teach them some visualization exercises where they picture their worries being washed away on a beach with each breath they take, or whatever their imagination can do to help them think relaxing thoughts.
7) You can also be more concrete by asking your child to write or draw their worries and stresses on a paper, and then toss them in the trash, after having had ample time to process them with you or externalize them on the paper. This is a symbolic act of letting go.
8) Teach your kids about their feelings. Give them words for them, so that they can talk about their worries and anxiety, rather than be flooded by the emotions.
9) Create a space where you listen to your child’s concern and validate their experience. There is nothing worse than to be told “don’t worry about it” when you are truly anxious.
10) Teach your child that even if they can’t change the circumstances, they can change the way it is affecting them.
Last month, we celebrated Father’s day. Something I’m still getting used to, as I grew up in a culture that didn’t make a big fuss about mother’s day and completely ignored father’s day. Somehow, I think this is a reflection of the way fathers have been perceived in our society, up until recently.
I believe that up until my generation, fathers were considered and expected to be the providers and the disciplinarians. Their emotional involvement in their children’s life was minimal. It was the mom who knew what grade they were in, what projects they had in school and who were their best friends. Dad might have come to some games on the weekend, but mainly, mom was the nurturer, the child raiser.
Today, things are changing. With more and more working moms, more and more kids go to daycare at a young age and the child rearing tends to be more equally spread between both parents. We also see more and more stay-at-home dads who embrace that role very well.
Because of the mom’s increased involvement outside the home, the father’s role has become more crucial. If the child is loosing the time and connection with the mother to the professional world out there, somebody has to make up for that, and I see it as an opportunity for the father to step in. I am not saying in any way that it is wrong for the mother to work, but I believe that children need their parents’involvement in their life and that they should both offer as much as they can to their growing children.
Those of you who grew up with a father who was present but not very involved, or with an absent father, might think: “so what, I made it and I’m OK”. The truth is, the role of a father is extremely important in the healthy development of a child, and has been downplayed for a long time. Yes, it is different from the role of a mother, but it is just as crucial.
During the first three years, the mother tends to be the main character in a child’s life. She carries the baby, feeds him, changes him, and sometimes stays home with him until preschool. She is the nurturer in this period of dependence of the child on her.
The dad’s role is to guide the child into the world. To teach him how to become independent, responsible. For that to happen, the dad needs to come into the symbiotic relationship that mother and infant share, and lead the child out into the world to help her develop her skills and talents.
The father needs to teach his child by showing her, and doing with her, the things that the child needs to learn. This requires quality time spent together, involvement, interest. If that fails to happen, the child could remain insecure in her abilities to face the world as an individual.
A special message to moms and dads:
Moms, let it go. Entrust that part of your child’s education to their father. Let them do it their way. It may be a little messier, a little louder, a little more wild in the house when dad takes over, but your child needs those unique interactions as much as they need your tenderness, reassurance and nurturing. Let them take risks together, allow them to be adventurous.
Dads, you have a very important role to play in the very important story of you child’s life. Don’t underestimate it or downplay it. Be proud of it and give it your all. Don’t try to be a mom, you’re a dad. Your job is very specific and unique. Do it your way, not hers.
Here are some important ways a father needs to be involved in his children’s life:
- Be present, not only physically, but emotionally
- Be involved: know who his friends are, what his interests and passions are, go watch his games or her ballet, take her out on dates, take him on outings that are of interest to him, help them with homework, play with them, have conversations with them.
- Teach them about life: by showing them, being an example, a teacher, a mentor, but also by doing with them.
- Give them a vision, a sense of purpose: by encouraging them, challenging them, noticing their gifts and abilities and pushing them in those areas.
Enjoy the journey, and don’t hesitate to use resources out there for help and inspiration:
"Wild at heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul" by John Eldredge
www.americandaddy.net
Happy belated mother’s day! How was your day? Did you feel proud to be a mom? Were you celebrated? Honored? Thanked and appreciated for all the hard work you do daily for your family? I hope so.
And how was the day after mother’s day? Back to the daily routine? Shouldn’t mother’s day be everyday?
Being a mom is so much more than what could be remembered or celebrated in a day. So many moms try so hard to be good at this job, and struggle so much with doubts and insecurities, fears and sense of failure.
Becoming a mom is like being thrown into a selfless whirlpool that never stops and only keeps spinning faster as you keep adding kids to your family.
It’s in our DNA. Not the guilt, but the nurturing. We were made, created to care, to relate, to love. Sometimes to a fault.
Instinctively, we tend to put our kids first, our family first, ourselves last. And then we crash. Or we get irritable. Grouchy. We yell. And then we feel guilty, because we have become all we didn’t want to be, all we feared we would become. We have failed at our ideal version of being a mom. And we crash lower, deeper, on our own of course, isolating ourselves and convinced that everybody else has it together. “What’s wrong with me?”, we ask…
How do you ever balance life as a mother? Whether you work part-time, full time, or are a stay-at-home mom, how do you juggle your needs, your kids’ needs, your husband’s needs, your boss’s needs, a household, hopefully some girlfriends, a healthy diet and exercise plan, your commitment at church or in your kids’school, the soccer practice and games, etc, etc…? And not loose it?
I know I am not speaking to a non-existant entity here. I know most moms can relate. It’s a constant rat race, and we are always behind. Exhausted, drained, burned out. And on some days, wondering what the meaning of all this is. Right?
We have an exacerbated awareness to failure and a guilt-ridden mindset we get stuck into. The vicious cycle is that because of the guilt, we neglect ourselves. “There is no room for me if I can’t properly attend to my kids’ needs”.
Yet the opposite it true: you can’t love well if you don’t love yourself. There is nothing to give out of an empty cup. You need to recharge the battery, and that is NOT selfish. As John Eldredge puts it, “Caring for your own hearts isn’t selfishness; it’s how we begin to love <…> What will you bring to the world if your heart is empty, dried up, pinned down? Love is the point. And you can’t love without your heart, and you can’t love well unless your heart is well.”
So, mothers, how is your heart? How are you taking care of your soul? What does self-care mean to you? How did you nurture your heart today? What would it take?
I know, it’s hard. There is so much to do. And if we stop, pause, take the time for ourselves, the pile of laundry and more is still there when we come back. True. But you can’t run on empty forever. Self-care is a necessity. And if you need an excuse, make it your mother’s day gift to yourself for a week, and see how it feels…
Remember, kids are watching you. You are setting an example. Stressed and frazzled is not how you want them to experience or remember you. Guilt and shame is not something you want them to feel. But it starts with you. So you MUST deal with your heart and your soul. Here are a few things that might help you nurture yourself, which in turn will make you a better parent.
1) Delegate. You can’t do it all. You are not supposed to. You need help, ask for it. What can the kids do to help around the house? What can your husband do?
2) Let go of perfection. Is it really going to matter in twenty years, that your house was messy half of the week? Live with what you can live with, and if that means a little more dust and a little more mess, and a lot more time for you, then let go and enjoy the freedom it gives you!
3) Reach out! Call a friend and check in with her. Take your children on a playdate and meet another mom. There is comfort in shared experience. You are not alone.
4) Once in a while, treat yourself with an item of luxury. It doesn’t have to be expensive clothes or shoes, or jewellery. It can be something you never do because you think it’s unnecessary or a little pricey. It can be a pedicure, or it can be a basket of blueberries from the Farmer’s Market! Do it because it makes you feel good, do it because you are special!
5) Give yourself the gift of beauty. What do you find beautiful? Is it art? Nature? Flowers? Architecture? Music? Dance? The ocean? The mountains? Whatever it is, go towards that. Go smell the roses at the Huntington or Descanso gardens. Flip through the pages of an interior design magazine, take a bubble bath with beautiful candles, go watch the sunset… Drink in the beauty that speaks to your soul, you need it and it will heal and restore you.
6) How does God speak to you? Make room for that. Maybe you don’t have time to sit down for a “quiet time” where you read your Bible and meditate. Maybe your kids get up bright and early before you and from the moment you’re up, it’s “go, go, go”. I get that. But don’t put God in a box. Can he talk to you while you do the dishes? Prepare dinner for your family? Commute to work? Open your mind up to that.
Happy Mother’s Life to YOU J
